Tennis

Just a quickie - come on Murray!!

My last post

I do hope you all do not think that I have put too much information on my blog.  I felt that I needed to in order to perhaps help others that might some day see my blog.  I really do not feel that we should not be frigtened to discuss what has happened to us.  Why should I be ashamed!

I forgot to mention also that Meghan said if I didnt feel she was the person for me I could change that it was about me and not her!!

Mental Health Appointment through Gateway and what to expect.

As I mentioned yesterday I had a mental health assessment appointment. 

When I got there I was not impressed the place (part of the NHS, local authority) was not very welcoming.  The staff were in a room with what I would describe as a hatch.

I did not see the bell at the time and waited for a minute or two until a lady came to take my name.  It was not very private and I had to sit outside in the corridor with others - did not mind others but was not a waiting room which would have been much nicer.  There were a toilet but no water cooler - hey ho.

After a while I was called by my Self-Help coach, Meghan.  She seemed nice but not very old.  I was taken through a door then into a room.  There were three chairs and two tables, the room was small and on one of the tables there were tissues and on the  other there was a toilet roll!!

Meghan set out what would happen.  That today was an information gathering session and not to dwell too much on what happened in the past as it would upset me as there would be no treatment today, she said that there may be occasions where she had to speed things up due to the time limit - which was an hour.

I had to tell her all that I had been through in my life, now I do hope my family never read this blog, but in a nutshell, I told her how my dad left when I was a baby, that I was abused sexually as a child, I married a man who turned into a druggie, I was a single parent, I was a victim of DV for 7 years during which time, one baby died aged 11 days and that I had a still birth a few years later, that my daughter had been a nightmare child making allegations against others, subsequently found untrue and that my dad had killed himself.  Well as you can imagine she was astounded and said one of those was enough.  She wanted to know if I wanted counselling for all of that.  I said I had had it.

 I said that all had been okay for some years that I had a lovely husband and family but that I had had a breakdown at work.  I explained that I had had to do without a secretary for two years was the only one to have had to go without and explained what triggered it in March and that it was boss that had ranted at me for two hours - I cried the whole weekend went back on Monday and she started again.  I couldnt take any more she had blamed me for issues that had not been dealt with when I felt it was the firm who should take responsibility.  I couldnt go into full details and nor will I here however I managed to tell her that I had thrown up on the way to work, cried on the way there and back, had an upset stomach all day, palpitations, panicand that I couldnt sleep and even thought of suicide.

 I was asked if I had planned my suicide I said that I had gone to the extent of looking at the easier way and less painful way and told her what that was.  I said that I had tried to kill myself when I was 16.

I also told her I have OCD mainly checking etc.  I said that had got better as I couldnt be bothered at the moment so much ha!

So moving on she explained that my thoughts and feelings affect my behaviour and it is a vicious cycle.  I could have help by Cognitive Behaviour Therapy for a short time or long time or both.  I chose both and I am also going to get help for the OCD.

I explained that when I was at work my OCD was my way of coping had been so since 8 - although not working then, it helped me deal with issues.

I told her that I have felt depressed before.  This is the worst I have felt suicide wise but I havent had so many panic attacks at previously.  I do prefer to stay in.  I cannot go to an unfamiliar place on my own and I would prefer not to go out without anyone at all.  I avoid a lot of situations!!

However, it is in my view work stress that has made me feel so bad and I feel worse as the firm that has made me ill has stopped paying me and it makes me feel hopeless.

It is going to be a long haul and Meghan said I am not in a good way and my case was complex.  I do feel that she can help me.

Finally, I had to tell her about my medication.  That makes me have intense dreams although the the thought of me going back has recently given me intense nightmares.

Just a quickie

All went well, I shall post fully tomorrow. Might be helpful for someone needing help in future. I have a lovely self-help coach called Meghan!

Today is the day most definately

I have my mental health appointment today. I am so cross that my employers have made me ill and have taken no responsibility!! I will let you know how it goes. Sorry there is a lack of photos lately just find it difficult to do on my iPad.

Giveaway!

Sally is having a giveaway see below http://www.lavenderattic.blogspot.co.uk/ good blog too.

Evening out with hubby

Went out tonight to see a live band called counterfeit quo they were a tribute band lol. It was only up the road at the local live band venue and they it was free. My friend popped in for an hour and we had a dance. However, hubby and I left at about 10.45 as he had had a hard day. I am not sure if the group go round the country but if you google them you should find out. If they are ever near year I would thorougly recommend them!! I love spending time out withmy hubby!

Today's the day

OH should find out today what is going to happen at work. Today was the day I thought I has my mental health appointment but I missed it as it was actually Tuesday!! Usually if you miss your appointment then that's it your out but I explained that I get confused! I was given another appointment next Thursday. No news about my employment which is stressing me out. They know they have made me ill so I think they should pay me full pay! Unlikely though but they usually pay people in full but I think they believe stress is not an illness. Well it hit me in the face yesterday how ill I am but I am going to fight it it won't beat me xx Enjoy the rain!! Pah!

A good day

Thanks for all your kind messages x Today I am having a good day, the sun is out so I shall go for a walk by the sea later. I am also meeting up with some friends for chips! However, OH has been mumbling about changes at work for the last few days but last night he sounded worried. He doesn't think there is any risk to his job but who knows. Anyway we are in this together and he knows that. When we first got together in 1999 I was a single parent and struggling to make ends meet. He had to give up a well paid job to be with me and we lived on very little and he is worried we will end up where we started. Enjoy the sunshine everyone x

Mental Health and mornings!

Some days I feel so down I don't bother getting up until lunch time. Other days I might get up and just sit there but now and again I feel able to cope and I can get up at a reasonable hour and do something. It is the constant thoughts and intense dreams that tire me out! Thoughts about the pressure I am putting on my family by being upset, not being able to work, not being able to function properly. I have thoughts of them being better off without me and guilt that I am ill. It feels lame when people ask me how long I have been off and what do I do with myself and I tell them four months and that I o not do anything really. I feel that I am walking in concrete that my emotions have taken overmuch body and that I have been in a boxing ring! I feel a failure most days, I feel upset that I studied so hard to become a lawyer and it seems all for nothing. No ideas if I will go back to my current employer,Or when I will be able to go to work. The pressure Is on my husband in terms of income and I worry that may become unbearable for him.

Thanks

I know I haven't blogged so much lately due to health reasons. I have been referred to the local mental health team. My first appointment is this Thursday and I want to blog my progress and let you know how I get on. Still no way forward with my employment and I am signed off now until 8 th July. Thanks for not deserting me! I am back blogging now xx

Back home

I got home Saturday 2 a.m.  I have been spending time with family for the Jubilee.

I havent had time to post but I will post about my trip to Jersey soon - I had a great time by the way albeit it is not cheap to eat there you have took look around!!

Hope you all enjoyed the long weekend!!